I'm a mean girl!

So I've heard it said in a few sermons that the longer we walk with the Lord, the more we realize just how disgusting we are...and boy isn't that the truth?!  I used to think that I had it pretty together I mean I was polite to people, mostly upbeat & optimistic, joyful, had good morals, didn't cuss people out or punch them even when they deserved it (LOL), showed love, spent daily time with the Lord, etc.  The last few months I've really prayed for the Lord to show me things that I needed to work on that I had been oblivious to and He's been peeling away the layers and showing me just what a wretch I am!  I'm not a nice person...at least not as nice as I had fooled myself into thinking I was. 

Those moments when I'm alone, usually doing routine, mindless things like taking a shower or washing the dishes or painting...that's when I've come to realize that my mind starts to go on an ugly, ugly journey!  It's like satan sits back with a remote and just starts clicking through the tv of my mind and showing snippets of things that really set me off on a rampage.  I never say it out loud but in my head I'm screaming at people that have ruffled my feathers, done me wrong, hurt me or just plain drive me nuts.  You'd be amazed at how much time got spent on these clips and I had never even realized it.  BUT...God is good and daily I have to pray for help in stopping my thoughts, meditating on scripture and refocusing my thoughts onto what is TRUE, what is GOOD, what is PRAISEWORTHY and not on the anger, lies and ultimately hatred!  It's a daily struggle, several times a day but it's getting easier.  I am able to notice what's happening much quicker and really get myself turned back around.  Another thing that I've learned that helps even stop the first click of the remote is to turn on praise & worship music and just focus on the words of the songs and sing & dance around while I'm doing those activities!   

Another area that I struggle with is while I'm driving!  Music doesn't help so much with this one! 

The other day the Lord totally smacked me!  :)

I was singing along with my praise & worship music, praying intermittently and then someone cuts me off.  I mumble some comment about them being a stupid jerk and imagine being able to "bump" them with my van like a game of bumper cars...to teach them a lesson.  Then after a minute or two when I've cooled off I go back to singing music to my Lord.  Then another car comes along and won't let me into the lane I need to get into so I can turn down the street to my house and I say out loud what an inconsiderate a** they are.  Yes, *hanging head low and ashamed*, when I get mad, every once in awhile a curse word comes out.  I'm not proud and I certainly hate that I do it but it's like a reaction that happens before I even think about it.  A dear sweet mentor friend of mine said on a few occasions that whatever we are filled with will come out when life "bumps" us.  Yikes.  I'm so not full of very much goodness then!  :(  The Lord was gracious enough to really speak to my heart about how much of a contradiction it is that one second I'm singing about how much I love Him and want to be like Him (empty me Lord and fill me with You) and then the next second I'm cussing out a fellow human being for inconveniencing me or whatever.  Funny thing is that if it was someone walking next to me, I'd NEVER say it to their face because that would be rude and ugly but it's just as bad to say it privately in my car or to even think it in my mind!  God hears my thoughts and sees my ugliness!  OUCH!  The real clincher for me is that I have noticed my kids make comments about other drivers.  DOUBLE OUCH!  I don't want my kids to have this "road rage" and struggle with ugly reactions to other drivers.  I'm so thankful that the Lord has brought this to my attention and that through the power of prayer and meditating on His Word, I'll be able to beat this sin down and I pray one day that I don't even have the ugly thoughts in the first place!

So there you have it.  The ugly truth of Christina.  I'm a mean girl!  But praise God for never giving up on me and helping me in my weakness!