Uggghhh...CONVICTION!

Hi, my name is Christina.  I've been walking with the Lord for about 9 years now and you'd think I'd have learned this lesson by now.

I'm kid-free this afternoon and instead of doing my power cleaning like I usually do when I find myself alone I took full advantage to work on a project (I'll blog about that later).  Anytime I'm alone I blast music.  Confession time...most of the time, when I'm alone, I like to listen to secular club/dance/hip-hop music on Pandora.  Don't get me wrong, I love my praise & worship and contemporary christian music and 99% of the time that's what I listen to BUT when I'm home alone and working on something, the beat of club/dance music keeps me motivated to continue working on whatever it is I'm working on. 

Sadly, most of today's dance music has awful lyrics.

It's close to the time that my children should be returning home and a song is playing and most of it is about sex and I found myself worried that my friend was going to show up and hear the music I was listening to and think that I'm an awful christian.  Seriously. 

Then...I heard it...the Lord!  He's always so loving and gentle with me when He convicts me even with things that He's convicted me about in the past.  Uggghhh...  You see, I go in spurts.  When I started walking with the Lord 9 years ago, I came home and threw out EVERY.  SINGLE.  cd I owned!  My poor husband (who is not a believer) thought I was nuts but I didn't want anything filling my head that wasn't about the Lord.  Fast forward to now.  Over the years I will find myself listening to secular music that talks about things I shouldn't be filling my head with.  Then the Lord will convict me about it and I'll quit listening to it.  Then I'll start wanting to work out and add dance/club music to my ipod to get me moving.  Then I'll get the conviction and quit.  Then I'll hear a song somewhere and look it up on itunes, add it to my ipod, hear more songs, add those.  Then the conviction...on and on.  I've always been pretty good about not listening to it around my kids.  I mean come on, have you heard a 5 year old singing lyrics to a song that made your mouth drop?  Yeah, I have and I don't ever want it to be MY kid singing those words.  If you haven't, all you have to do is look on youtube and people have posted videos of their kids dancing and singing to some songs that they shouldn't have been listening to in the first place, let alone memorizing!  YIKES! 

Anyways, back to my conviction.

As I had my little panic, the Lord ever-so-sweetly spoke to my heart.
"What about me?" I heard Him ask.

Here I am, worried that my friend would hear me listening to this music when all along, the Lord has been by my side all afternoon, listening to it with me.  :(
O-U-C-H!!!

Why am I listening to music that I won't allow my kids to listen to?
Why am I listening to music that I don't want my christian friends to hear me listening to?
WHY AM I LISTENING TO MUSIC THAT I WOULDN'T WANT JESUS TO KNOW I'M LISTENING TO?

If I could physically see Jesus in my house, would I have EVER turned on that Pandora station?  HECK NO!
It's so easy (sadly) to forget that He's here all the time.  He sees everything.  It's not like I can hide it from Him.
I want desperately to have my whole life bring nothing but glory and honor to my Savior.  We can only pour out what we take in and if I'm listening to these inappropriate songs, what am I thinking about and what is going to pour out of my mouth?  Inappropriate stuff, that's what!

Alright, so that's my big conviction of the day! 
This goes for movies & tv shows too.  I shouldn't be watching anything that I wouldn't sit down and watch with Jesus. 

Time to weed some stuff out!!

I'm a mean girl!

So I've heard it said in a few sermons that the longer we walk with the Lord, the more we realize just how disgusting we are...and boy isn't that the truth?!  I used to think that I had it pretty together I mean I was polite to people, mostly upbeat & optimistic, joyful, had good morals, didn't cuss people out or punch them even when they deserved it (LOL), showed love, spent daily time with the Lord, etc.  The last few months I've really prayed for the Lord to show me things that I needed to work on that I had been oblivious to and He's been peeling away the layers and showing me just what a wretch I am!  I'm not a nice person...at least not as nice as I had fooled myself into thinking I was. 

Those moments when I'm alone, usually doing routine, mindless things like taking a shower or washing the dishes or painting...that's when I've come to realize that my mind starts to go on an ugly, ugly journey!  It's like satan sits back with a remote and just starts clicking through the tv of my mind and showing snippets of things that really set me off on a rampage.  I never say it out loud but in my head I'm screaming at people that have ruffled my feathers, done me wrong, hurt me or just plain drive me nuts.  You'd be amazed at how much time got spent on these clips and I had never even realized it.  BUT...God is good and daily I have to pray for help in stopping my thoughts, meditating on scripture and refocusing my thoughts onto what is TRUE, what is GOOD, what is PRAISEWORTHY and not on the anger, lies and ultimately hatred!  It's a daily struggle, several times a day but it's getting easier.  I am able to notice what's happening much quicker and really get myself turned back around.  Another thing that I've learned that helps even stop the first click of the remote is to turn on praise & worship music and just focus on the words of the songs and sing & dance around while I'm doing those activities!   

Another area that I struggle with is while I'm driving!  Music doesn't help so much with this one! 

The other day the Lord totally smacked me!  :)

I was singing along with my praise & worship music, praying intermittently and then someone cuts me off.  I mumble some comment about them being a stupid jerk and imagine being able to "bump" them with my van like a game of bumper cars...to teach them a lesson.  Then after a minute or two when I've cooled off I go back to singing music to my Lord.  Then another car comes along and won't let me into the lane I need to get into so I can turn down the street to my house and I say out loud what an inconsiderate a** they are.  Yes, *hanging head low and ashamed*, when I get mad, every once in awhile a curse word comes out.  I'm not proud and I certainly hate that I do it but it's like a reaction that happens before I even think about it.  A dear sweet mentor friend of mine said on a few occasions that whatever we are filled with will come out when life "bumps" us.  Yikes.  I'm so not full of very much goodness then!  :(  The Lord was gracious enough to really speak to my heart about how much of a contradiction it is that one second I'm singing about how much I love Him and want to be like Him (empty me Lord and fill me with You) and then the next second I'm cussing out a fellow human being for inconveniencing me or whatever.  Funny thing is that if it was someone walking next to me, I'd NEVER say it to their face because that would be rude and ugly but it's just as bad to say it privately in my car or to even think it in my mind!  God hears my thoughts and sees my ugliness!  OUCH!  The real clincher for me is that I have noticed my kids make comments about other drivers.  DOUBLE OUCH!  I don't want my kids to have this "road rage" and struggle with ugly reactions to other drivers.  I'm so thankful that the Lord has brought this to my attention and that through the power of prayer and meditating on His Word, I'll be able to beat this sin down and I pray one day that I don't even have the ugly thoughts in the first place!

So there you have it.  The ugly truth of Christina.  I'm a mean girl!  But praise God for never giving up on me and helping me in my weakness! 

Gay marriage is rocking my christian world!

This post has been fumbling around in my head for a few days now.  Trying to wrap my mind around what exactly is happening in my heart and in my mind has been tough.  Tough in an amazing way!  There's so much talk about the gay marriage issue and a few weeks back a Facebook friend of mine posted this video from youtube and for the life of me I cannot find it to share here a HUGE thank you to Jessica Goodman for helping me track it down on Facebook, here it is.  Sorry it's kind of lengthy (just under 20 minutes) but it is so worth the time and will really make you think:

And for some reason I can't get the video to post on here so here's the link to watch it on youtube:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySkB30rf5Ao

And then another friend of mine posted this video yesterday that also made me start to think!

God's Word says that above all else we are to love one another as Christ loves us.  How does He love us?  Unconditionally and sacrificially!  I know the bible says that homosexuality is a sin.  I get that.  But how does God want me to treat the gays?  With unconditional love!  My mind is still all over the place on this whole subject but I'm really having to stop and pray and really dig into the Word and wrestle some things out with God about how I show that unconditional love.  It's not a secret that the gay community feels rejected, judged, condemned, unloved, and even hated by christians and THAT is not of Jesus!!!!  So today as I sat down to have my quiet time with the Lord I stared at my various bible study books and packets that I'm working on with different bible study groups but I really felt the Lord calling me away with just Him!  No other books to tell me what to think or try to explain it to me the way the Lord has spoken to them about things but to get raw and real with the Lord.  I've always felt that I'm not smart enough to understand God's Word without a little help from my study notes or commentaries from pastors that I look up to but God reminded me that wisdom comes from Him and He will give me all the understanding I need.  

I'm on a mission to really dig into the New Testament especially the gospels to really dig in there and see Jesus! 

 I want to see how Jesus treated people caught in sin.  As I started digging in I was reminded that throughout the gospel Jesus is hanging with the sinners, the rejected, the hurting, the lost...obviously He must have been loving and kind and compassionate to them or they would have RUN from Him.  I know when I feel unaccepted for who I am I stay away from those people.  The ones Jesus focused his harsh words on were the religious people!  The ones that were judgmental, condemning, hateful, legalistic, etc.  I want to be like Jesus!  I want people to feel love and accepted when they are around me.  Love & acceptance doesn't mean I fully support someone in whatever sin they are in but it means loving them regardless of what they are struggling with and coming alongside of them in non-judgment.  I made it through the first 2 chapters of Matthew before I had to stop because I'd already been sitting there for almost an hour!  :)

What did I learn in those first 2 chapters?  Jesus came to be a shepherd.

What does a shepherd do?  A shepherd guides, protects and cares for his flock.  He goes after those that wander away or get lost.  He protects them from harm.  He comforts the scared and hurting.  He bandages up the wounds.  He firmly and lovingly disciplines when the sheep start to wander into danger.

We need to be more like shepherds and less like wolves!

My journey into really looking at Jesus is going to take quite a bit of time but my prayer is to become more and more like Jesus and a whole lot less like the religious people!!!